The Three Kings of Massachusetts

Last weekend "The" Tom finally returned to Massachusetts.

Joined by my tequila-spewing friend Dale, we packed about as much action as you could into 30-some hours in the state.

We flew landed in Boston around 7 p.m. My man, the King picked us up and brought us to his parents house in Beverly. Long-term readers may remember the King from my Massachusetts days, and the beloved shack. One of my favorites from my days on the Cape, I go on vacation with Kind and his parents each spring.

We arrived at the house, and his parents ordered pizza. A couple of other guys came over, and we were on our way to the bar after the Red Sox game ended. But then the game wouldn't end. Several beers and an awful large amount of time, Alex Rodriguez and Yankees walked off with a two-run home run after bar close, and I had seen more Red Sox baseball than I had since Pedro was on the team.

The other guys went home, we watched some baseball tonight and I passed out on the sofa. I woke up with a wicked stomach ache at 5 a.m., worried briefly that I would spend my weekend in Mass puking my guts out, and went to bed.

I woke up feeling fine. After a shower, while waiting for the King to get ready, Dale and I wandered out the front door. The King has a beach across the street from his house. There were a number of bikini-clad ladies, and I made a mental note to visit him for a weekend next summer.

We went to Fenway Park to check out the Futures at Fenway game. The Baysox were playing, and I was excited for second visit to Fenway. Thankfully, no one freaked out about tickets this time.

There were a number of co-workers at the game, and our tickets were all over the place. Me and my crew (now including Simmer-Sammer) were behind home plate. Other co-workers were on the first base line, some were on the third base side, and Dale and a couple others were in a suite.

After a few innings, I went in search of my media credential. I was told it was in the "Absolute Clubhouse," but had no idea where it was. We went to each clubhouse, but that wasn't the answer. Eventually I tracked down a security dude, and he directed me to a bar on the second or third level. And then I had the keys to the kingdom.

My pass got my buddies and I into the press box. It was pretty sweet, not as nice at the one at Camden Yards, but still an experience. We then went to see Dale, but got turned away at the suite level. I called Dale, he talked to the concierge, and we eventually convinced security to let us in.

I have no words that can adequately encompass how incredible the suite was. There was a ton of food, huge sofas around the biggest non-projection screen tv I have ever seen. The view from the deck was incredible....and only Dale, another co-worker and his fiance were inside. We started eating, and didn't stop for hours.

And then there was Jenny.

Jenny was an angel, sent to us from some higher power to make sure we knew how special this day was. It was Jenny who made security let us pass, Jenny who brought us (non-alcoholic) drinks and ice cream on the deck. Jenny who kept bringing the pizzas in. Jenny who told us all about Fenway Park and Massachusetts. Jenny and her beautiful accent.

Eventually we left to catch a Cape League playoff game, and I felt like I should hug her.

We managed to park a couple of blocks away, for $12. I can't believe more people don't know about that place.

I fell asleep at some point on the ride down, and apparently Dale made fun of me for most of the trip. I cannot verify it, because I was asleep.

We made it to the Cape just in time for the start of the game. It was great seeing the old GM and chatting with other members of the Braves staff. At the game we were joined by my hot friend Aislinn, and her also very attractive friend Marge. Both Aislinn and Sammer had had offered to let us crash at their parents' places, so we weren't concerned about finding a place to crash.

I forgot one crucial thing about baseball on Cape Cod, it gets cold. We were freeeeezing. Well, not the King, he had brought jeans and a long sleeved shirt. I brought two pairs of shirts and two t-shirts for the trip. At one point, I suggested that we should build a fire, and a small child looked at Sam and said "Hey look, the hobo's building a fire!"

That was random.

It was also buggy as hell, we were feeding legions of mosquitoes. We must have been complaining because the hobo kid's mother offered us their bug spray. Another angel. Someone was looking out for us that night.

After an inspiring three-run bottom of the ninth inning, the Braves walked off with a 3-2 victory in their first playoff game. After the game, we spent some more time chatting with Braves staff members, and Aislinn left to pick up another friend, and they headed to a bar further down the Cape. We had the name of the bar, and a road that ran by it. We told Aislinn to text the address at it.

We stopped for a drink at the bar where I tried to convince the interns to go after every game in my Cape days (The Trowbidge Tavern, where you can score PBR in Massachusetts). I asked them for a birthday shot for Dale. They brought him a shot glass, as we sang "Happy Birthday" and he took the shot. They refilled it, and he took it again. They refilled it and he took it again.

The night was off to a good start.

After we finished the drink, Sam announced that he was leaving for Connecticut. I guess we weren't going to stay at his place.

We parted ways and the three kings of Massachusetts headed further down the Cape to meet up with Aislinn and her friends. On the way, the King an I reflected on our Cape days, particularly the ones that centered around the shack he stayed in. We told Dale we'd drive by it, he wanted to see it, and so did we. We decided to drive by.

And were shocked to see that George was home.

George is hard to describe. A friend of the King's father, George is an awfully unique individual. He's something of a collector. There were sailboats in the yard, a number of grills and a collection of parking cones. We said hi, he invited us in, and we enjoyed a PBR on his porch as he told us about how he likes to score with tennis chicks. One of the highlights of the encounter was seeing his new canoe, which had taken up residence in the only hallway in the shack. Another was finding out that he smashed the toilet we had broken during our Cape summer.

The call of the ladies was strong, so we parted after we finished our beers. We still didn't have the address for the bar, but the Cape isn't that big of a place, so we decided to try our luck. Dale had to stop to pee after a while, so we stopped at a Hess gas station.

There was a big line of people at the counter as Dale and I walked to the bathroom. Given that it was his birthday, I let him go first. I heard him grumbling in the bathroom, and as he walked out he said "Let me know what you think of their spotless restroom policy."

I walked up to the toilet and it was clogged with a massive turd. Like HUGE. It was vile. But I did what I had to do. As I was inside, a pregnant woman insisted that Dale buy her a Snickers bar. He declined. There was another pregnant lady in the back seat of a cab parked next to the King's truck. She had a friend with her, and we thought briefly about inviting them to come with us. Can't say why, it just seemed like the thing to do.

But we didn't and we drove away.

We still hadn't heard from Aislinn. We were starting to get concerned. Just when we started talking about our options for the evening, we found the bar. We found a parking spot right out front. We walked in, and it's hard to say what struck me most. The small size of the room that was the bar, how dirty it was, how loud the cover band was or how many people were crammed in there.

It wasn't hard to find Aislinn and her friends, they were the only other people 25 or younger, they were the only hot girls and they were on the stage.

It was time for another drink. Another mystery shot for Dale, another round of beers and the fact that we hadn't eaten since that afternoon had me feeling pretty good. Aislinn's other friend was WICKED hot. Three of them, three of us, it seemed like ka.

Aislinn was surprised to see us. She and her friends were dancing, the King and I kind of swayed to the music, and after two or three songs the lights turned on. ale suggested Jag-bombs, I said that might not be a good idea, and he disappeared. The girls walked away, and I went over to find Dale. He managed to score another round after last call. As we hurried to finish our beers before we got thrown out, we wondered when the girls would come back. I mean, they didn't say goodbye, so they must be in the bathroom or something.

We finished the beers and walked outside. While there WERE a bunch of people milling about, none of them were hot twenty-somethings. The cover band's front man was out there in the most torn up jeans in post-1980's America and an open shirt, but that didn't really help us.

We were a little hungry, so we headed off to Wendy's as Rich sent texts to everyone he knew that might be on the Cape. On the way, we decided that we could have added to the evening by inviting Jenny. A bloody chame that we didn't. By the time we got to Wendy's, we were out of options. We were not staying with someone we knew on the Cape. We were either getting a hotel or driving all the way back to Beverly.

We got to Wendy's, and it was closed. Talk about devastated. This night was taking a turn for the worse. As we sat in the truck in the parking lot, trying to decide our next move, Dale produced a Frisbee and declared that it was time for ultimate Frisbee. We threw it around for a while. At one point, one of my throws went a little wild, and Dale tripped on a curb. He went sprawling into a grassy area, and was completely silent. That's unusual for Dale.

I ran over to him, and he started laughing. He got up, he went to the bathroom, and we got back in the truck. We were off to a hotel somewhere on the mainland.

As we got to to the end of the Cape, we stopped by the Braves field to take another leak As we were pulling into the parking lot, Aislinn sent a text asking if we were alright and if we needed a place to crash. It had been roughly an hour and a half since they left the bar. Wasn't expecting that.

So off we went to her parents house (after a tinkle at the field). It was about 15 minutes away, and it was starting to get late. She met us at the driveway and brought us in. They have two dogs, and they started barking like craaaaazy. We had NO IDEA if her parents knew we were there or not.

She brought us to her brothers' room. I brushed my teeth and I was coming out the King appeared in the doorway wearing one of Aislinn's brothers' hats. I thought it was hilarious, but Aislinn pointed out that we shouldn't try on her brothers' clothes. There were two beds and a pullout sofa in the room. After we said good night, the three of us were left to ponder the likelihood of the three of us sleeping in the same room in different beds that night. We hadn't thought it was very likely. And it made us giggle. Reflecting on just about every other aspect of the night also made us giggle.

Not knowing whether or not Aislinn's parents knew we were there added an element of danger to the night. We had never met them, and collectively we figured that Aislinn's father was probably very protective of his beautiful daughter, and wouldn't take kindly to strange males sleeping in their house (shut up DooHow). We were concerned about the morning.

When we woke up, we packed our bags and made our beds. I brushed my teeth, came out of the bathroom and the guys were gone. GONE. I looked out the window and they were already in the truck.

Thanks, guys.

There was a big bottle of lotion on the counter in the bathroom. Rich had brought the bottle with him. I grabbed my bag, grabbed the lotion and bolted. No parents, clean getaway.

As I was walking to the truck, Rich looked at me and I held up the bottle of lotion. He shook his head. As I got closer, he rolled down his window and said "It's not mine, she has the same bottle."

I thought briefly about keeping the damn lotion.

I didn't.

I ran back to the house, ran upstairs dropped off the lotion and came back down.

Aislinn's mother was waiting at the door. I would very much like to see the look I had on my face. I could only think of one thing to say.....

"Hi, I'm Tom, I was an intern with Aislinn years ago....thank you soooooooooooo much for letting us stay here last night." The end might have had the vocal inflection of a question.

She said hi, and no problem, and I said something to the effect of "I hate to be brief, but we're running to catch our plane back to Maryland." What I WANTED to say was, "Oh my God I am so unbelievably happy that you didn't think I was a burglar and mace me!" But that would have seemed tacky. She congratulated me on working in a field I was passionate about, and I made my way out the door. I was a little relieved when the guys hadn't driven away yet.

As we headed to the airport, we reflected on the prior 24 hours. It was quite a day.

Our flight was delayed, and when we got back I took a lengthy nap. Massachusetts is an exhausting state.