My charmed existance: Weddings

If you ever want to have the best wedding ever, from the grooms dinner through the reception, it's remakably simple to do.

Just make me a groomsman.

I've been in four weddings, in three of them, remarkable things have happened. What's the deal with the other one? Well, two possible explanations: Number 1, I was only 14 or 15, and maybe I was not yet charmed like I am today. Number 2: I was only a groomsman when someone else backed out, and maybe the magic only happens when I'm in the picture from the beginning. Or maybe, explanation number three is that I've finnished runner-up in the best man sweepstakes three times.

Whatever the reason, wedding stories just seem to follow me around.

The first of the big three weddings, was up in Moorehead. I showed up on Friday about 5 minutes before the tuxedo place closed (man that was close, that could have been a mess). I just got in, and luckily my tuxedo fit. So, we went back to the couples house and proceeded to have a mud wrestling party.

I shit you not.

We tore up their backyard, hosed it down, and wrestled in the mud. The groom, one Luther Bell, was incredibly elusive. It's hard to catch a guy that wieghs like 100 pounds when he's covered in mud. Not that I'm gay mind you, and not that their's anything wrong with that.

My favorite moment from the party was in the pit, I said something clever to one of the hotter girls there, and she threw a mudball at me, as hard as she could, from like a foot away. It just BLASTED me in the ear. It hurt like a sonofabitch, but mad props to a girl that brutal with mud.

That night, I made out with a girl, and I didn't even know her name at the time.

The wedding was allright, we all still had mud somewhere on us, and the receptions was a drag (it was a very religious family, there was no booze there, even for those of us of age), and our first party after the reception got broken up, and the party after that one was kind of tame as there was a cop driving by the house ever 5-10 minutes.

All in all, an excellent time.

Wedding Number 2: DAN'S

Dan and I have been friends a long time.

Dan's wife is crazy.

Not long before the wedding, Sarah said that she didn't think I should be a part of "their special day."

Well, somehow I stuck it out, and of all people, I was the one calming Sarah down before the wedding. It was odd.

We started drinking moments after the service ended. We didn't stop until.....well, I'm not sure we've stopped yet.

At the reception, we were all up at the head table, and at one moment we were all staring at the same girl. She was gorgeous. Long black hair, impeccable body......And at that moment, Sarah's mom came up and said "She's 15 guys." And she walked away.

I'm not going to lie, I danced with her. Seriously, she was ridiculously hot. It's just funny that we all got busted at the same time. Thank God Jenks wasn't there, he would have gone NUTS.

I spent the majority of the night trying to hook up with Sarah's maid of honor, Jody. I was not succesful. When I realized my efforts were going to be fruitless, I did what any sexually frusterated 21-year-old at a wedding would do. I started drinking at an even heavier rate.

I was gone, blitzed, hammered, shitcanned and driven to the BUTTHOUSE. All at once. One memory that came from the end of the reception: There was a smirnoff just sitting on the table. I went Jenks and started drinking it. Patrick came up and said "You idiot! Do you think that will help?" I never understood what he meant, but I assume it had something to do with Jody.

Well, my dirty, Patrick (of GFL fame), was driving me home that night, and somehow Jody had hitched a ride home too. It was a long ride home for me.

My favorite stop, was falling out of the car, crawling a little ways, and puking in Jody's front lawn. Just writing that made me giggle a little. Is there a better way to retaliate to rejection? Oh, were not going to hook up? BLAH (Tom's official puking noise).

The other stop is my more famous. At the time, it had been my habit to puke at the far side of the ditch when I got out of a car, kind of a courtesy to the driver. Well, I got out of the car, and went for the far side of the ditch.

I walked, and walked and walked. Eventually, I thought "This is a big fuckiong ditch." I turned around, and I was a long way from the car, and was standing in a swamp. It was too much. I fell over.

So there I was, drunk to the verge of passing out, in a swamp. I remember giving myself a pep-talk "C'mon Tom, GET UP TOM, GET UP TOM" until I forced my way to my hands and knees. Then I threw up. While I was puking, I heard a car horn honking, and assumed Patrick was getting impatient, as any sober right-minded person would have been.

But no, it wasn't Patrick. Dan's ride had pulled over, and Dan was throwing sticks at me. Luckily I was far away in a swamp, I heard they were big sticks.

Eventually, PDiddy got me home. The next day, I woke up and started gathering all the pieces of my Tux. They were all covered in mud. Everything but my shoes. My shoes were MIA. I searched the entire house, no shoes. I thought, oh God, my shoes are in the swamp, I have to go get them.

Turns out they were in Pats car. Completely clean. I ran into the swamp in socks. No shoes.

When Pat showed up that day, he greeted me with "My toe hurts."

"It happens" I replied.

He said "You could say, Shut up Pat, I threw up 100 times last night."

Second worst hangover of my life, it was first until I was 23.

Wedding Number 3: AJ's.

This is the one wedding where I was disappointed not to be the best man (major guilt trip here, AJ and Amanda make up 50% of my loyal reader base).

It was pretty straightforward. Beautiful, well run service. Kind of an upscale reception (no dj, no dance, was very hard for me to comprehend), couple beers, but no drunks.

I had brought a change of clothes so I could leave my tux behind (it had to be back the next day). I left the clothes in Dan and Sarah's car, and would be riding back with Patrick and his girlfriend Kim. I didn't know Kim very well, but things had always been kind of odd between us, I think it was because she was just a kid and felt she had to fight for Pat's attention when I was around.

Anyways, I was enjoying the meal at the head table, talking a little Diablo II with AJ's cousins, when someone pointed out that Dan and Sarah were gone. I didn't think anything of it at first. A couple of moments later, I ran over to their table.

They were indeed gone.

Change of clothes and all.

AJ and Amanda had left their wedding a year earlier without saying goodbye, now Dan and Sarah had done the same. I got caught in the wedding fued cross-fire. Sigh.

It was a long ride home that January first, from the Twin Cities to Brainerd, in Pat's back seat, in my underwear, without shoes, curled up under a small blanket and Pat's Cardinals jakcet.

There was a wicked blizzard, we had to drive very slowly.

And I really, really had to pee the whole time.