The Biggest Loser (me)

My friend Kris works for the St. Paul Saints as an ushertainer. He does some of their between innings games, and recruits people for a lot more.

He also gets free tickets for every game that he works.

And the Saints often give out a 5 lb. Nut Roll to the "Nuttiest Fan of the Game."

I'm not going to lie to you: I want that God damn 5 lb. Nut Roll.

I want it bad.

My reason isn't pure gluttony, I really, REALLY want to bring a 5 lb. nut roll home to my parents.

I think they would be very proud.

Anyways, I went to last nights game with my man Eric Rivard. I am a people person, Eric Rivard, not so much. So when Kris said we were going to be in the contest for "Nuttiest Fan of the Game", and that the contest would be to go into the crowd and have people sign a petition, I thought I was GOLDEN.

Kris knows how much I want that giant Nut Roll. And he gave me the golden ticket.

It was Bob Hughes night at Midway Stadium. We had 6 outs to gather as many signatures as possible for Bob Hughes for President. I sprinted into the crowd, was running all over the bleachers, and the Saints half of the inning was over before we knew it.

Then the Canaries came up to bat.

Normally, a contest like this lasts about 15, maybe 20, minutes.

It slows down a little bit, however, when a team scores 10 RUNS in an INNING. When the home team walks at LEAST 6 batters, and a pitcher gets hurt and has to be replaced.

It went on and ON.

I thought we'd be lucky to get 2-3 pages.

We ran around the crowd for an HOUR. A contest that's supposed to last for about 20 minutes tops, went on for an HOUR.

Some dude dropped my pen in his beer. Some large woman in what appeared to be a prom dress, brought it into the women's rest room. I got cut off before I could get into general admission.

It was pretty intense.

When the Canaries finally wore themselves out from running around the bases, Eric and I were summoned to the top of the home team dugout.

When we got there we were told to count our pages.

I had 7. A solid showing, reflective of my personality, my attire (I was wearing a Saints blanket as a cape) and my hustle.

Eric had 9 pages.

Where the hell did THAT come from???

When Eric received his (my) Nut Roll I was given our 16 pages and told to give it to Bob Hughes.

I ran to his section in the crowd and asked around until I found him.

He was in a conversation, but I interrupted.

"Mr Hughes, sorry to interrupt, but I am afraid that I am not the man that is meant to head your presidential election campaign. Here are 16 pages of people who support your cause."

We joked around for another minute or two, and as I was about to leave, I saw another opportunity.

"Oh, Mr. Hughes, I almost forgot. On behalf of myself, and the St. Paul Saints, I would like to present you with this red Papermate pen, to commemorate your night here with the Saints. Good luck in your campaign, I'll be pulling for you."

And with that, I left him, running down the steps with my cape billowing out behind me in the wind.